World Cup Communication Etiquette

The World Cup is literally hours away and I for one cannot possibly be more excited for it. I’ve woken up in the middle of the night the past three days in a cold sweat, dreaming about Gerrard’s thunderous free kicks, Torres’ silky smooth moves, and Altidore’s overpowering forays through the defense. There isn’t a better sport, there isn’t a better tournament, and it’s almost here.

Of course, the only thing better than enjoying World Cup matches is enjoying them with friends and family. If not in person at least screaming with joy over the phone, hammering off text messages in the final minutes of the game, or analyzing every blade of grass the was pushed over after the match via e-mail. It’s an exciting time. But having said that, if you’ve taken nothing away from this blog over the past few months, at least remember this during every waking hour over the course of the next four weeks – DO NOT FUCKING CONTACT ME DURING OR AFTER ANY MATCH VIA PHONE, TEXT OR E-MAIL UNLESS YOU ARE 100% FUCKING CERTAIN THAT I HAVE SEEN THE MATCH!!!

This is a pretty simple request. I will tell you right now that I will be watching every one of the first 8 matches on Friday, Saturday and Sunday of this weekend live. So please, text, call (after the game), or e-mail all you want. I welcome it. But after that the ballbreaking world of work will be seriously compromising my ability to watch the matches so I will be relying exclusively on the greatest thing to happen to soccer since beer, DVR, to watch almost all of the matches and in some instances I will be hours or days behind on the action.
So what this means is:

1. Don’t call me. If you do, start the conversation in the most monotone voice you can conjure up with, “Have you seen the Netherlands/Denmark match yet?” Then only after I confirm that I have can you go ape shit about the 8 goals Robin van Persie scored.


2. Send a sacrificial text message. The first text message you send must read, “Have u seen Brazil/NKorea yet?” Only after I respond, “Yes,” can you then reply, “HLY F-ING SHIT! GR8ST GAME EVR!!!”


3. Every e-mail you send should be properly titled “World Cup” and should clearly state, “Read no further if you have not yet seen Paraguay/New Zealand,” then should be followed by no fewer than 12 empty lines of text so that I can’t possibly mistakenly view any shred of evidence about the game.


I don’t want to sound like a fascist dictator about this but holy shit, don’t test me on this one. If you ruin any second of any game for me, or God forbid, the actual result of any match, I will make it my sole purpose from now until I meet my footballing maker to ruin your life, your child’s life, and so help me I will be the 90-year-old geezer on the playground at your grandchild’s school bullying him every single day at recess 60 years from now. You think I’m kidding. I’m not.

Got it?

Now, we’re all in this together so please extend the same courtesy to everyone. This is literally the best time of the decade and I can’t be more excited for me, for you, and for the whole world.

Enjoy the matches, enjoy doing so with your friends and family, and please, please, please, communicate thoughtfully over the next month.

Cheers!