Group G - Cote d'Ivoire (Ivory Coast)

Group G

Brazil

North Korea

Ivory Coast

Portugal

Nickname: Les Elephants

Colors: Orange and green

Current World Ranking: 27

Manager: Sven-Goran Eriksson

The Ivory Coast has gone through 6 coaches in the past 4 years in what seems to be a continuous sequence of self-inflicted wounds by the Ivorian Football Association, preventing the team from establishing true consistency. The last manager, Vahid Halilhodzic, had been at the helm since 2008, had lost only one game out of 24, had qualified the team for the African Cup of Nations and this World Cup. However it was that one loss that cost him dearly as it was a quarter-final defeat to Algeria in extra time in the African Cup of Nations. The defeat came at a time of great political unrest in a country that seems only able to unite behind its soccer team, so Halilhodzic became the martyr. The timing couldn’t have been worse though for a team that was preparing for the World Cup that was less than 4 months away at the time. The ensuing process to find a replacement was no less tumultus though, as it appeared certain that the Dutchman “Lucky” Guus Hiddink was going to take over and work his underdog magic with the Ivorians, but conversations fell through and ultimately the Swede, Sven-Goran Eriksson was hired instead. Eriksson has a pretty healthy resume having managed some of the world’s biggest clubs before becoming England’s first foreign manager in 2002, a post he held until 2006. Unfortunately Eriksson has mainly been known for what he hasn’t done, more than what he has. England excelled under his guidance but as is their nature, failed to win any tournaments. After getting sacked by England he went to coach Manchester City where he led them to their highest points total ever in the league but was fired after only one season for not doing better. He then went to manage the Mexican National Team in what has to be considered an absolute failure as the team won only 1 match in 7 under his guidance. He was fired after being in the position for less than one year. Ivory Coast seems like a good fit for Eriksson now, who has always excelled at getting the most out of his players, especially when they're undermanned, as the Ivorians certainly are, but the real question is whether he’s been in the position long enough to affect their chances in this Cup.

History: The Ivory Coast has very little to speak of when it comes to successes in soccer. To date they have won the African Cup of Nations once in 1992 and qualified for the 2006 World Cup in Germany where they lost to Argentina and Netherlands before beating Serbia and Montenegro. Perhaps their biggest achievement in that tournament was scoring in all three matches.  

Players: It’s not fair to the rest of the team to suggest that Ivory Coast comes down to one player. But realistically, they come down to one player. Granted, he is freakishly strong; unbelievably athletic, and perhaps the single most natural goal scorer in the world. Oh, and he is at the top of my list of people I absolutely despise.

Didier Drogba – Striker (Captain)

It’s true, I hate this man more than anyone else on the planet, mostly because he plays for Chelsea in England, more so because he is the biggest, whiniest drama queen to ever put on a pair of cleats, but also because he is unbelievably good and has torched every team I have ever rooted for time and time again. So let me put my personal feelings aside and talk about him as a player. At 32 he should be in the twilight of his career but that couldn’t be further from the truth – he’s absolutely in his prime. He was a late bloomer to begin with and didn’t sign his first professional contract until he was 21 and didn’t debut for his nation until 2002. But since that point he has done one thing – scored goals. He made the move to Chelsea in 2004 where he become the most expensive Ivorian in history. Since then he has gone on to win three League Titles and three FA Cups, he was the leading scorer in the Premier League in 2006-07, and was the African Footballer of the year in 2006. This past season he scored 29 goals for Chelsea as he led them to their first ever double.

Drogba was also named to Time Magazines 100 Most Influential People list for helping to usher in a cease-fire after 5 years of civil war in his country as he pleaded with the rival armies to lay down their arms after the team qualified for the 2006 Cup, which they did.

Despite his peace-making credentials off the pitch, controversy is never fair from Drogba on it. He has earned a reputation for being a world-class actor on the field, often flailing about and faking injuries in an effort to win calls from the referee. He also pouts and whines with the best of them, and is no stranger to being disciplined on the pitch having received red cards in some of the biggest matches he’s played in, and even received a multi-game suspension after getting red-carded in a UEFA Champions League game then cursing out a television camera on his way off the pitch.

Ivory Coast’s chances in this Cup rest squarely on Drogba’s shoulders. If he can keep his cool and do what he does best – score lots and lots of goals - the team has a chance to advance. Without him though, they’re hopeless.

Salomon Kalou – Striker

At 24 Kalou has a bright career ahead of him. Playing alongside Drogba at Chelsea he has often struggled to get consistent minutes in a team that is packed with super stars. But he makes the most of his opportunities scoring goals every chance he gets. Any opponent that focuses too much of Drogba could very easily find Kalou putting the ball in the back of their net. He’s small, fast, and very direct on the ball, having admittedly modeled his game after his hero, French strker Thierry Henry.

Emmanuel Eboue – Defender

The 27-year-old plays in the central defense or defensive midfield for English side Arsenal and has proven himself to be a very strong, tough defender. Once out of favor among fans at Arsenal he has finally earned his stripes for the team and will anchor the Ivorian defense along with former Arsenal teammate Kolo Toure.

Kolo Toure – Defender / Yaya Toure – Midfielder

Kolo is the older brother to Yaya and is currently the captain for Manchester City in England having chased the money away from Arsenal like so many other players before last season. Yaya is a defensive midfielder and the first ever Ivorian to play for Barcelona in Spain where he has won two league titles and a UEFA Champions League Title. Together with his brother and Eboue, Yaya will create one of the more experienced and formidable defenses in the tournament.

Prediction: In any other Group in the tournament Ivory Coast might be favored to advance to the Round of 16, and while they may have a better than average chance to upset Brazil or certainly Portugal, very few would pick them as favorites. Yes, they have the African advantage; yes, they have Didier Drogba; but political unrest at home and a brand new manager may be more than they can handle in this tournament. 

Group G - Democratic People's Republic of Korea

Group G

Brazil

North Korea

Ivory Coast

Portugal

Nickname: Chollima (Pegasus)

Colors: Red and white

Current World Ranking: 105

Manager: Kim Jong-Hun

History: Much like their country, not a whole lot is known about this team. This is only their second World Cup. In the first in 1966 they actually made it to the Quarter-finals by shocking Italy 1-0 before losing to Portugal 5-3 after being up 3-0 in the 24^th minute. Outside of that they’ve only qualified for the Asian Cup 3 times.

Without fact checking I believe they are the lowest ranked team in the World Cup this year.

This is an interesting tidbit from Wikipedia:

“In March 2005, Korea DPR entered a match with Iran with limited chances of qualifying for the World Cup finals due to poor performance in early fixtures. During the match hosted in Pyongyang, North Korean fans became enraged when the referee failed to award North Korea with a penalty kick after a controversial play near the end of the match. Demanding a penalty, they rushed Syrian referee Mohamed Kousa, who instead gave a North Korean player a red card. Bottles, stones and chairs were thrown on to the field following the play. After the match was over, North Korean fans refused to let the Iranian team leave the stadium on their team bus. The violence was so severe that riot police were forced to step in to force back the crowd. Following this incident, North Korea lost its right to host the subsequent home match with Japan and the game was instead played in an empty stadium in Bangkok, Thailand.”

Who knew North Korea had soccer hooligans?

They performed well in qualifying for this Cup and were the only team to not get a bye, which means they had to play a total of 16 games to qualify. They upset Saudi Arabia and finished second behind South Korea after losing to their neighbors 1-0, after which the North Korean coach suggested his team had been poisoned by the southerners. This wasn’t the first bit of controversy between the two teams though. In 2008 before an Asian Cup qualifying match to be held in Pyongyang, the North refused to display the South’s flag or play their national anthem. After failing in negotiations the South turned to FIFA who moved the game to Shanghai. It ended in a draw. I don’t need to get into the politics between the two countries but it’s fair to say their two soccer teams don’t like each other much either.

Players: Until just recently North Korean players were not allowed to play outside the nation and the team was used largely for propaganda within the country. The rules have been relaxed a bit but it still hasn’t really benefited the team much. They’re very defensive minded, foul a lot, and are generally considered to be extremely fit. According to FSC.com, North Korea has been known to change player numbers and names before a match for one reason or another so you might not know exactly who you’re going to get.

Their two top players appear to be two strikers, Hong Yong-Jo, who plays for FC Rostov in Russia and Jong Tae-Se who plays in Japan.

Prediction: No chance. Their biggest impact will likely be any injuries they deliver to the other teams. That and the excuses the coach comes up with for why they lose so he doesn't end up in a hard labor prison when he returns home humiliated. 

Group G - Brazil

Group G

Brazil

North Korea

Ivory Coast

Portugal

Nickname: Seleção (The Selection). Also Canarinhos (Little Canary) and Verde e Amarelo (Green and Yellow).


Colors: Gold and blue with green highlights

Current World Ranking: 1

Manager: Dunga

Carlos Caetano Bledorn Verri is a former player who captained the team that won the Cup in 1994 and lost in the finals to France in 1998. He almost didn’t have that chance though because he was one player that bore the brunt of the nation’s criticism after their poor showing in 1990 as he was labeled slow, uncreative, and thuggish by the Brazilian media. After getting past that he became on of their most beloved players so it was a stretch that he started managing the team after their poor showing in the ’06 Cup. Dunga has been unapologetic about not catering to the big name stars on the squad, instead emphasizing the team concept and even going out to find unsung Brazilian talent around the world. So far it’s been working.

History: What can you say about Brazil? They’re the best. The have the most World Cups (5), they’re ranked number 1 in the world, the lowest they’ve ever been ranked since FIFA started keeping track is 8^th, they were the top team in the world from 1980-2001 with a 74% winning average and 1.3 goal difference, and they’ve played in every single World Cup. What more do you want?

Brazil won its first Cup in 1958 then followed that up with two more in rapid succession, 1962 and 1972, both occurring during Brazil’s “Golden Era” that was dominated by stars like Zito, Garrincha, and of course, Pele. While they still played strongly and finished well in the tournaments of the 70’s and 80’s, they went through a relative drought and didn’t win another Cup until 1994 in the US when they beat Italy on penalties after their star, Roberto Baggio missed his shot. They made it to the final again in 1998 but were undone by hosts France 3-0, thanks to two brilliant goals by Zinedine Zidane. They didn’t need to wait very long to reclaim the top spot though after beating the second most successful team in the world, Germany, 2-0 in the final in South Korea. Remarkably their keeper in that tournament was suffering from the pain of a broken wrist that hadn’t healed properly and they still won behind the brilliant play of Ronaldo, Rivaldo, and Ronaldinho.

2006 was a big disappointment for Brazil, losing out to France again in the Quarterfinals 1-0. Many people blamed their performance on the strategy employed by the coach at the time, Parreira, which he called “the magic square” based on the four offensive players, Ronaldo, Adriano, Kaka, and Ronaldinho. It never really took hold and the team suffered as a result.

Again though, they didn’t wait long to claim another trophy as they won last summer’s Confederation’s Cup in South Africa after thrashing the US 3-0, Italy 3-0, and squeaking past Egypt 4-3. They took down South Africa 1-0 in the semi-finals then went down to the US 2-0 in the first half of the final but came rushing back to overwhelm the Yanks with 3 goals in the second half, proving once again why they’re the best.

They spent the better part of the last 2 years in 2^nd place in the FIFA rankings behind Spain, but just recently regained the top spot thanks to injury concerns in the Spanish squad.

So, why is Brazil so awesome all the time? While England invented the game it’s often said that Brazil perfected it. Plus, the domestic league in Brazil has been ravaged by corruption for decades so the best players in the country try to get the hell out of there and head to the greener pastures of Italy, Spain, and to a lesser extent England. That means, as we’ve mentioned before, the Brazilians benefit for their great heritage then go abroad and learn all the secrets Europe has to offer. Then they come home to the national team and they are still unquestionably Brazilian, but they also have all the best skills of their opponents.

Players: Brazil has had some of the greatest players in the history of the game, including the greatest, Pele. There is never a shortage of talent at any position and it seems like with every World Cup you see the end of one legend’s career and the beginning of three more.

Admittedly I love watching Brazil play – it’s fluid, inventive, and beautiful, just as the game is intended. But I no longer root for Brazil primarily because the cream of their crop in the past decade has turned out to be whiny and difficult prima donna’s and I just don’t have any patience for them. From Ronlaldo to Ronaldinho to Robinho, they seem to be more trouble than they’re worth for the teams they play for. Granted, I understand the hypocrisy of rooting for a team like England with some of the players they have, but I only have so much loyalty in me and I’ve chosen England for my loyalty, not Brazil. Plus, Brazilians rarely playing in the English Premier League because they don’t speak English, don’t like the weather, and generally don’t adapt well to the English style of play.

One other note on Brazilian players – you’ll notice that many of them, especially the best among them, all have just one name. This is actually common in Brazilian culture where nicknames are often used more frequently than given names in all walks of life. Some think the tradition is owed to a high illiteracy rate where short, spoken names are just easier while others think it might date back to Brazil’s slavery system where slaves were known by only a first name, or first name and country of origin. There aren’t really any rules for who gets nicknames or what nickname they get but there is definitely an affinity for goal scorers while defenders usually keep their given names. A lot of times players with the same name will choose a nickname just to differentiate themselves. 

Kaka (Ricardo Izecson dos Santos Leite) – Attacking Midfielder

Kaka made a name for himself with Italian club AC Milan where he started playing in 2003 and won a League Title, a Champions League Title and the FIFA Player of the Year Award. In 2009 English side Manchester City made a record bid of 100M pounds for Kaka’s services but he turned down the offer saying he wanted to grow old at Milan. Six months later he apparently aged enough because he signed with Spanish club Real Madrid for just under 70M pounds. His first year with Real has been marked by nagging injuries and in fact, he’s still recovering from one now but claims he’ll be ready in time for the Cup. At 28 Kaka has been playing for the Brazilian senior squad for nearly a decade having debuted at the 2002 Cup (playing only 25 minutes). He played an integral role in their 2006 campaign and has become one of the moral leaders of the team. Like most Brazilians he’s quick, fluid, and creative and despite being one of the best, most recognizable players in the world, he’s more than capable of sliding past defenders without being noticed.

His nickname is a common term of endearment for the name Ricardo.

Julio Cesar (Julio Cesar Soares de Espindola) – Goalie

I’m not sure many Brazilians grow up wanting to be a goalie but in the land of legendary strikers, Julio Cesar stands out as one of the greatest keepers in the world right now and maybe ever. In fact, he has just presided over a 5^th straight league title in the Italian Serie A and his first ever Champions League Title with Internazionale. At 30 years old he’s been on Brazil’s national team since 2003 but has been the backup to Dida for most of that time. Despite all his credentials at club level this Cup will be his first major tournament as the number one keeper.

Robinho (Robson de Souza) – Striker

I remember hearing about this kid back in 2003 when he was supposed to be the next great Brazilian. In fact, Pele had picked Robinho as his heir apparent at the age of 15.  No doubt he has talent, quickness and guile, but an inability to completely mesh with the club team he’s played for has most certainly stunted his true potential. Even then he’s won two league titles with his first club in Brazil, Santos, then moved to Real Madrid where he won two more. At times he would be integral to the team’s success while at others he was left on the outside looking in. In early 2008 Real used Robinho as trade bait to try to lure Cristiano Ronaldo from Manchester United. After that deal fell through and Robinho found out about it he immediately demanded a transfer which he got to Manchester City where an ungodly wealthy Arab Investment Company had just taken over ownership. He was hailed as the team’s savior and certainly he raised the profile of the club and the desire for other top talent to play there, but it didn’t take long for him to slip down the bench after an injury at the beginning of this past season. With the arrival of other big names like Tevez, Adebayor, and Barry, Robinho thought it best to head back home to Santos to ensure he got the playing time he needed ahead of the Cup. At 26 he’s already played 71 matches for his nation, scoring 20 goals.

On a side note, in 2004 Robinho’s mother was kidnapped by gunmen and held for 6 weeks until she was returned unharmed after the ransom was paid.

Luis Fabiano – Striker

At 29 Fabiano has been a late bloomer for the national team. He made his debut in 2003 but went three full years without another cap and wasn’t a regular in the squad until 2007. He made up for lost time in last year’s Confederations Cup with an impressive performance including two goals against the US in the final. He continued his good form through this past season and looks to be the go-to choice to partner alongside Robinho in the attack.

Ronaldinho (Ronaldo de Assis Moreira) – Midfielder

One of the most talented Brazilians in their history, Ronaldinho is capable of doing things with the ball that others can’t even dream of. He’s a human highlight reel that has scored goals at every level with every team he’s ever played for. He’s played for the national team since he was a kid and was integral to their 2002 WC title. He’s one of the most recognizable and popular players in the world but despite all of that, he didn’t even make the final squad this year. Such is the strategy of the manager, Dunga, that he would leave one of Brazil’s all-time greats off his squad for this tournament. Since being named the Player of the Year while at Barcelona a few years ago, Ronaldinho’s play has been marked by constant injuries and questionable commitment. He’s still one of the most brilliant players to watch but his laziness on the defensive half is epic, which has led Dunga to pass him over in favor of finding the next great Brazilian star. Such is the talent at his disposal.

Prediction: Obviously they’re the favorites to win it all. They’ll need to get through this group first though, which is one to have earned the proverbial nickname, “the Group of Death,” for the quality of the teams represented in it. We can go ahead and dismiss North Korea right away just for being North Korea. But Ivory Coast and Portugal are both quality teams that have been playing like absolute shite lately for one reason or another that we’ll touch on later. Each of them when at their best, especially Portugal, could legitimately knock off Brazil and make their road to the final that much more difficult. But one team that isn’t complaining about getting drawn into a Group of Death is Brazil. They live for the opportunity to play and beat the best the world has to offer, as they so often do. 

Group F - Slovakia

Group F

Italy

Paraguay

New Zealand

Slovakia

Nickname: Repre (As best I can tell this stands for Representatives of Slovakia. Then again, it could also mean Baby Murderers, I don’t know)

Colors: White and Blue

Current World Ranking: 33

Manager: Vladimir Weiss

Weiss competed in the 1990 World Cup as a player for Czechoslovakia and got his start as a manager at the helm of the Slovakian club team Artmedia. He’s been the manager of the national team since 2008 after the previous manager failed to qualify for the 2008 Euros.

History: The Slovakian national team formed in 1993 after the dissolution of Czechoslovakia during the Velvet Revolution and will appear in their first ever World Cup as an independent nation after finishing first in their qualifying group ahead of Slovenia, Northern Ireland, and former European heavyweights, Czech Republic and Poland. Even though this is their first tournament as an independent nation their heritage dates back to the successes of Czechoslovakia in the 60’s and 70’s. The Czechoslovakian team that won the 1976 European Championship was primarily composed of Slovakians.

Players: While Slovakia has a domestic soccer league it’s virtually nonexistent so most of these players compete for clubs across Europe.

Martin Skrtel – Central Defender

This guy is pretty much badass personified. He’s big, mean, and absolutely fearless. He’s been with my team, Liverpool, since the winter of 2008 and quickly established himself as a no-nonsense, bruising defender. Unfortunately injuries have limited his time on the pitch in both of the last two seasons. I expect him to be fully fit and ready to crack some skulls in time for their opening match.

Marek Hamsik – Attacking Midfielder

Just 22 years of age Hamsik already has 30 caps to his name and is one of the most promising players for Slovakia, having scored 8 intenrational goals since his debut in 2007. He plays for the Italian club Napoli where he has led the team in goals for the past few seasons and looks to still have his brightest days ahead of him.

Stanislav Sestak – Striker

Sestak led the team with 6 goals through qualifying. He didn’t have the most productive of years for German club VFL Bochum scoring 6 in 29 matches but he should still provide the best scoring threat for Slovakia, or at the very least distract defenders to allow Hamsik to sneak in behind him.

Predictions: They could potentially upset a lazy Italy and they certainly have a lot of experience against them having played 27 times dating back to their days with Czechoslovakia, but their likeliest path to qualifying for the knockout round is by taking care of business against Paraguay and New Zealand, two teams they’ve never faced before. Their roster and their pedigree would suggest that they should get past both teams without any trouble. 

Group F - New Zealand

Group F

Italy

Paraguay

New Zealand

Slovakia

Nickname: The All Whites (In a national vote the nickname “The All Whites” narrowly edged out “The White Supremacists” and “Jim Crow’s Homies.” Actually that’s not true. The National Ruby team is known as “The All Blacks,” so “The All Whites” is naturally and simply the opposite of that.)

Colors: Black and White

Current World Ranking: 78

Manager: Ricki Herbert

Ricki Herbert has been in charge of the national team since 2005 but it seems to only be a part time job because he is also the current head coach of Wellington Phoenix (a team in the Australian A- League).  Despite being in charge of two teams, he has led the national team to their first World Cup appearance since 1982 and will bring his experience as a player to the team, as he was on that New Zealand team at the 1982 World Cup.      

History:  Soccer is not a prominent sport in New Zealand and is often overshadowed by the popularity of rugby and cricket.  The country has only one professional soccer team which plays in the Australian A-League meaning many of the players play in Australia, Europe and the United States.  Because New Zealand hasn’t featured in many international tournaments the national team doesn’t have much history to brag except their first World Cup appearance in 1982.  Unfortunately they didn’t earn a single point and did not advance out of the group. 

During the qualification campaign for the 2010 World Cup New Zealand won the Oceania Qualification group (they were the only seeded team in the group) and then had to face Bahrain.  They clinched their World Cup spot by beating Bahrain 1-0 in November 2009. 

Players:

Ryan Nelsen – Centre Back – Captain

Nelsen is the undisputed leader of the All Whites and brings experience to the team heading into the World Cup.  He currently plays for and captains the English Premier League club Blackburn with over 100 appearances for the club since 2005.  He got his start right here in the United States playing college soccer at Stanford and being the 2001 4^th overall draft pick by D.C. United.  He played for United for 4 years and won an MLS Cup with the club.  Nelsen has been somewhat plagued by injuries throughout his career and missed the 2009 Confederations Cup with New Zealand due to a calf tear but has been a key player for the country since his debut in 2009 and will be a key player during the World Cup.

Shane Smeltz – Striker

Shane Smeltz was the teams leading goal scorer during qualification with 8 goals and has also been the leading goal scorer in the Australian A-League for the pas two seasons.  He currently plays for Gold Coast United and has been a consistent presence for the New Zealand national team.  He was named New Zealand footballer of the year in 2007 (ahead of favorite Ryan Nelson) and with a scoring ration of more than a goal per every other game he will be a key player up top for the All Whites. 

Prediction: New Zealand has no chance.  That may be harsh but I just can’t see them doing anything against Italy, Paraguay or Slovakia.  The best they can hope for is to get a draw and come out of the group with at least some points in order to improve on their previous appearance at the 1982 Finals.  In past appearances against both Italy and Paraguay they only lost by one goal so a draw is not impossible but New Zealand have a tough competition ahead of them. 

Thanks to Columbus’ Eric Cantona for putting this post together... with the exception of the insensitive racial humor up at the top or course.  

Group F - Paraguay

Group F

Italy

Paraguay

New Zealand

Slovakia

Nickname: La Albirroja (The White-Red) or Guaraní (an Ingenious People) (A little conceited, don’t you think?)

Colors: Purple and gold… I’m just kidding, that wouldn’t be very ingenious. The colors are white and red.

Current World Ranking: 30

Manager: Gerardo Martino

The Argentinean took the team over in 2007 and was the logical choice for the job having managed several Paraguayan club teams in his career.

History: Paraguay is a South American country of 6.3 million people nestled between the ass of Brazil and forehead of Argentina. They have a rich history in soccer dating back to the early 20^th century but have lacked the success of their much bigger neighbors.

Paraguay participated in the first World Cup in 1930 where they lost to the US then beat Belgium but failed to advance from the group. They didn’t play in another Cup until the 50’s then took another 28 years off from the tournament until 1986. During that time they had some success in continental competitions and established themselves as formidable opponents to the top teams, Brazil, Argentina and Uruguay.

Since 1986 they’ve qualified for 5 Cups including this one and have advanced out of the Group Stage in 3 of them. In 1998 they actually only lost to hosts and eventual winners France in the Round of 16 after conceding a goal in the second extra time.

They had a strong performance in CONMEBOL qualification for this tournament, finishing third in the Confederation but just 1 point behind Brazil and even on points with Chile but losing out on goal difference. They qualified 5 points ahead of Argentina and even beat Brazil once and Argentina once then also earned a draw away at Argentina.

In a horrific incident in January of this year, one of Paraguay’s strikers, Salvador Cabanas, was shot in the head in a bar in Mexico. Reports of the incident have been conflicting with one account suggesting he was trying to break up a robbery while another suggested he was shot as the result of a taunting incident in the bar’s bathroom. Remarkably he was released from the hospital in February with the bullet still in his brain and may even play soccer again some day.

Players: Paraguay may very well be motivated by the incident in Mexico but they’re in an awkward phase where many of the players from their “Golden Generation” that took them to three straight Cups have retired and the new class is just coming into their own. After their performance in qualifying though it would appear that they’re ready to start their own Golden Generation. Paraguay has always been known as a defensive side but they’ve recently added some attacking flare to their resume.

Roque Santa Cruz – Striker

If you like a little South American spice in your life, this is the guy for you. Selected by one newspaper as the sexiest man in the 2006 Cup in Germany, he can also play a little soccer. At 29-years-old he’s been playing for the international team since he was 17 and appeared in the last two Cups. At the club level he won a league title and Champions League title with German side Bayern Munich before transferring to the English Premier League with Blackburn Rovers where he spent several seasons. This past summer he chased the riches to Manchester City like half the rest of the league but failed to really make an impact thanks to repeated and nagging injuries.

Oscar Cardozo – Striker

His nickname is “Tacuara” which means “Big Cane” but I think he should be called “Big Douche.” I hate this guy. He got his start in the Paraguayan league but has made a real name for himself with the Portuguese team Benfica, where he has scored bunches and bunches of goals including 38 this past season while helping them to back-to-back league titles. I became intimately familiar with this turd rocket a few months ago when Benfica played my team, Liverpool, in two matches in the Europa League competition. In the first match in Portugal Cardozo scored two penalty kicks that were awarded for the most bullshit reasons I have ever seen, including one in which Cardozo threw himself to the ground in the penalty box and was awarded the free kick. Benfica won the match 2-1 only because one of Liverpool’s goals was incorrectly disallowed. A week later when they made the trip to Liverpool, Benfica learned what it means to play at Anfield where the Reds ripped out Benfica’s soul and took a shit on it right there on the pitch, annihilating the hopes and dreams of all their children by winning 4-1. Cardozo did get the one goal for Benfica in that match though. What I learned in those two games is this guy is one of the biggest hacks and dives and drama queens in the world and I guarantee he’ll be flopping all over the pitch in South Africa.

Prediction: It might be a bit much to think they will upset Italy but they certainly believe they can. Ultimately their ability to qualify out of this group comes down to their performances against New Zealand and Slovakia. They’ve never played Slovakia but in one appearance against New Zealand they won 3-2. 

Group F - Italy

Group F

Italy

Paraguay

New Zealand

Slovakia

Nickname: Azzurri (Sky Blues)

Colors: Blue, white

Current World Ranking: 5

Manager: Marcello Lippi

Lippi is known as one of the 50 best managers of all time having won multiple league titles and a Champions League title. He was also the Italian’s manager from 2004-06 and steered them to the World Cup trophy. He took back the managerial spot from his successor, Roberto Donadoni, after a disappointing 2008 Euro Cup.

Lippi has raised some eyebrows recently by trimming his provisional squad to 28 players and getting rid of all but 8 of the players that hoisted the trophy in 2006. Still, his pedigree is unquestioned and if any manager can get the Italians to repeat as champs, it’s him.

History: Italy’s history could be summed up in a few simple statements: Defending World Champions; 4 total World Cup Trophies; Second most successful team in World Cup History; 4^th best team by win percentage from 1980-2001; Ranked 5^th in the world behind only Brazil, Spain, Netherlands, and Portugal; dirty, cheating, fucking Italians.

But despite my own personal opinion, the Italians deserve quite a bit more than just a few compressed statements. To be clear though, I have nothing against Italy or Italians. In fact, I’ve been to Italy and aside from the city of Pisa, which should be more commonly referred to as the earth’s asshole, I loved every second of it; I love Italians and have lots of friends of Italian descent; I love Italian food, and in fact I’m eating a calzone as we speak; I love Italian movies, provided they are in English and star either Al Pacino or Robert DeNiro; and I was fine with the Italian Job. But in spite of my love for all things Italian, I fucking hate the Italian National Football Team. I hate them with every ounce of my pizza-loving soul. But I digress.

International soccer got its start in Italy in the early 1900’s and they won their first of two World Cup titles in the second and third editions of the tournament in 1934 and ’38. Then, despite the success of their two top domestic teams, AC Milan and Internazionale in the 40’s, 50’s, and 60’s, the international team struggled mightily, due largely to a tragic plane crash in 1949 that claimed the lives of 10 of 11 players from the starting lineup of the team. They refused to travel by air to subsequent tournaments so the travails of land and sea travel were blamed for their tournament struggles for years after the crash.

The late 60’s and 70’s saw a resurgence for Italy, as they won their one and only European Championship and played well in the WC tournaments of the era. Then in 1982, amid a scandal in their domestic league, the Serie A, in which several of the national team players were implicated in match fixing and illegal betting scams, the team walked into Spain and won the World Cup by beating the likes of Poland, Brazil, Argentina, and eventually West Germany for the title.

From ’82 to 2006 then, Italy entered most every tournament with high expectations and in almost every one were let down in the end and often in very dramatic fashion. As hosts in 1990 they were favorites to win and looked set to do so after not conceding a goal in the first 5 matches only to fall to Argentina 4-3 on penalties in the semis. In 1994 they were again favorites and made it to the final before losing to Brazil, again on penalties 3-2 when their star player, the gloriously mulleted Roberto Baggio missed the final penalty shot having been heavily injected with pain-killers to get through an injured hamstring. Then in 1998 they lost to hosts and champs France, again on penalties. In Euro 2000 they lost again to France, this time in the finals and this time to a goal in extra time, after taking a 1-0 lead down to the wire then conceding a goal in the last 30 seconds.

As we already know, all of the heartache ended for Italy in 2006 as they went undefeated through the tournament, conceding only 2 goals, and only one of which was scored by an opponent. The only blemish on their record was a 1-1 draw to the US in the second match; the match that cemented my hatred for the Azzurri. But more on that later. They advanced in first place out of the group having beaten Ghana and the Czech Republic then beat Australia, Ukraine, hosts Germany, and finally arch-rivals France in one of the most controversial games ever played – the infamous Zinedine Zidane-to-Marco Materazzi head-butt match. After Zidane’s departure Italy went on to beat France 5-3 on penalties to complete their 4^th championship.

Now back to my hatred. Italy took the lead against the US before Daniele De Rossi was shown a straight red card for an intentional elbow to Brian McBride’s face that left him with a massive gash on his cheek. For his efforts De Rossi received a 4-match ban and the US went on to get the equalizer, thanks to an own goal by Cristian Zaccardo. Being level with mighty Italy with a one-man advantage coming out of halftime, I thought the US was going to slay a European giant. But then Pablo Mastroeni received a second yellow card for one of the softest challenges I’ve ever seen followed by another sending off for Eddie Pope that suddenly left the US down a man. It became clear to me at that time that Italy was undeniably talented, but among their many talents was an unparallel ability to draw phantom fouls by diving, acting, and complaining to the ref all while tackling and elbowing their way to any advantage they can possibly get. I won’t deny that they are brilliant strategists and understand the pace of the game better than just about anyone else. According to Soccernomics, "Italians know exactly how to measure out the ninety minutes.  They take quiet periods, when they sit back and make sure nothing happens, because they know that the best chance of scoring is in the closing minutes, when exhausted opponents will leave holes.  That's when you need to be sharpest.  In the World Cup of 2006 Italy knocked out Australia and Germany with goals in the final three minutes." There’s no denying that. But I have no respect for the unsavory parts of their game as the most enduring image in my mind from their WC win is that of an Italian player pleading with the ref, as if they did more of that than anything else. Plus, the irony of their victory was the subplot to the entire tournament for them – just as happened during the victory in 1982, some of Italy’s best players were embroiled in a match fixing and illegal betting scandal in the domestic league in which teams and managers conspired to have favorable referees appointed to officiate their games in order to influence the outcome. Ultimately 4 of the top teams in the Serie A were relegated to a lower league, including the champions from the season, Juventus, who were stripped of their title.  

Personal opinions aside, things have been anything but peachy for Italy since the 2006 Cup. They lost to eventual champs Spain in the semi-finals of Euro 2008 then didn’t even qualify out of the group stage at last summer’s Confederations Cup all while ambling through a very unconvincing qualification for this year’s Cup.

Players: The Italians, like the English, play their club ball almost exclusively in their domestic league. In fact, only one player on their roster competes outside of Italy. That means their style is unified and refined and they truly play team soccer. But this team is up there in years. They have the pragmatism to leverage that experience but the real question is, do they have the legs to make it the distance in this tournament?  

Gianluigi Buffon – Keeper

I feel like this guy has been Italy’s keeper for my entire life. At 31 he’s one of the storied veterans on the team who has an uncanny knack for saving penalty shots as he did all throughout the 2006 Cup and even into the ’08 Euros. He’s been the Goalie of the Year in the Italian league a record 9 times during his career with Juventus. Buffon was also implicated in the scandal in 2006 for betting on matches. While he admitted to legally gambling on sports he denied ever betting on Italian matches and was eventually cleared of the charges.

Fabio Cannavaro – Defender (Captain)

At 36, Cannavaro has earned the most number of caps in Italian history with 132. He’s been an uncompromising defender for his entire career, having played for the likes of Napoli, Parma, and Internazionale before settling at Juventus to form one of the most robust defenses along with Buffon and winning two league titles. But after Juventus was relegated to Serie B following the match fixing scandal, Cannavaro jumped ship to Spanish giants Real Madrid where he won two more league titles and the 2006 FIFA Player of the Year award becoming the only defender to do so as well as being the oldest player. Prior to this past season Cannavaro returned to Juventus since they’ve been promoted back to the Serie A. Apparently he also likes to model in the buff because I had trouble finding a picture of him with his clothes on.

Gennaro Gattuso – Holding Midfielder

Oh boy, do I hate this guy. Just look at him; he looks like he enjoys stealing meals from starving children in Africa. At 32 he’s another one of the veterans on the squad and has a reputation as a bruising tackler. His nickname is Ringhio, which means “Growl”, which is fitting because his temper has gotten him into trouble on more than one occasion. He has more than 70 caps to his name and has played for AC Milan for over a decade, winning one league title and two champions league titles.

Andrea Pirlo – Midfielder

Known as “The Architect,” Pirlo is the pain in the ass to all the engineers on his team. Just kidding. He is known as the Architect because he’s the playmaker on the team who controls just about everything on the pitch. He’s been at AC Milan for nearly a decade where Gattuso’s fierce defensiveness has freed Pirlo up to be the creative player that he is. That same chemistry has worked time and again for the national team and will again be the backbone for the team at this Cup as well.

Prediction: Italy was served up an absolute creampuff by getting drawn into this group. Truly none of these teams should even challenge them but like I said, they’ve been nothing if not shaky in the past few years so it wouldn’t be unthinkable for a team like Slovakia to pull off an upset. Still, Italy should finish first from this group but I really don’t think they’ll be favored to repeat as champions. It’s going to take more than a bunch of diving and complaining to the ref for them to get much past the Round of 16.